Heads she wins, Tails I lose

I guess it's heads..... wait maybe tails. Who knows what to make of it, and it's less than relevant today than yesterday.

This is how I feel right now. It really doesn't matter how the coin falls it's all for naught.

Let me tell you a story of me and my life. How I got here and how I'll never get back.

I grew up in a house where peace and harmony were not something that you could even hope for. My parents split up when I was 8. I remember sitting in the living room when they broke the news. Interestingly enough I was quite happy with the decision at the time. My house was one of pain and mockery when both my parents were home. I learned at an early age that if only one was around, then everything was ok. Once they were both there, the fireworks flew.

We grew up very poor. Hand me down shoes, and clothes, government cheese, LDS Bishops storehouse food and coats. I made some decisions about my life then. I had very mild dreams. I wanted to own a house, own a car, and raise a family better than my parents had raised me. I don't know why I needed to be better but it gave me purpose.

I acheived the modest goals at an earlier age than expected. I was 23 when I bought my first house. I had a couple of cars, a wife, and twins on the way. I had made it I thought....

Now I see that what I built is coming crashing down around me.

I focus on my job too much.
I focus on the future too much.
I don't want to make bad decisions.
I really just want to be happy.

I don't know where I went wrong. When I broke up with my 11 year olds mom I thought it really couldnt get worse. She got pregnant when I was 19. By 21 I had bought her 2 rings both having been ripped off her fingers when she admitted to cheating on me. I forgave her the first time and moved on. I tried to forgive the second time and wanted to make sure I was there for my son. She would not let me do that. After the third time I had to go. My family that I was trying to build had been stolen from me.

I really didn't think it could get worse than that. But now I am in the same situation. I don't know what it is about my personality or my emotions or just me. But women just can't stay faithful to me. This time the scar was reopened and it's not healing. I feel my myself seeping out of the wound that festers and won't go away. I live in pain everyday and mask it by laughing and ignoring and doing the mundane things of life.

My family has been stolen again.

I am not a perfect guy but I really cared. I gave everything I had to give to this family and this life and this future and after 9 years i'm right back where I started. I must be retarded or ignorant. I lived to have a family and i don't have it in me to build a third one and risk losing it.

So when the coin drops I'll hear it loud and clear like the liberty bell when it split.

The cacophony will get washed away by the world.

I used to believe in karma but I really can't figure out how I or my kids deserved this one.