She seems so happy
And it tears me up inside. All I have ever had to do to get to Lisa to pretend to love me, is give her what she wants. If I say no she pouts and pesters and then gets mad and accuses me of not loving life and have any passion. She finally admitted last night that she does not enjoy our sex life. Our whole marriage she has praised us for how we make each other feel in bed, but it was all a lie too. She doesn't know my buttons, she can't drive me crazy. But I've told her what it is that I need and what turns me on, but she can't do that either. What more could I do? I wish she could have been honest with me years ago and she could have saved herself years of pain and saved me from utter destruction.
If I tell her what she wants to hear and give in to her wishes then she is immediately happy. Not remembering the pain she caused. It's my incompatability that drove her to depresssion. My lacking that caused her to cheat and lie. There is no responsibility being taken by her. Maybe there is, but when she tells me that all she does is hurt me and that she can't help it and that if she was me she would leave and that she does not deserve a second chance, it makes me feel like she has accepted her faults and her weekness. Like she has given in to being mediocre and is comfortable with the knowledge that her selfishness will continue to hurt the people she loves, because that is who she is and she does not want to be something else.
I feel like I am giving my self away so I can keep my family together.
I don't know if it is worth it.
I don't know if it is the right thing to do.
What I do know is that I feel taken advantage of. We both have responsabilities. We agreed to have a marriage and raise kids. Her part is primarily the household and mine is make sure that she has the tools and resources to be successful in that. But that is not enough for her. She can get babysitters anytime she wants and go to Art's festivals and lunch with the girls, and book group at night. And then I am a prick if I feel like I am holding up my end of the bargain and she is getting away with worse than murder. At least if someones kills you, your dead. With her it's like a work of priceless art, how she inadvertantly and slowly works the dagger in such away that you wish you were in the Hanoi Hilton, because there would be less pain and it would be closer to ending. I work hard but she gets most of the benefit. She says she does not have freedom but she really doesn't know what freedom is. She says she wants to make her own decisions, but when faced with them she can't bring herself to actually make a decision, because she is so worried about.... Who fucking knows. Unfortunately, your past decisions shape your level of freedom in the future and even if we do get divorced she still won't have the freedom that she wants, because she still has two little boys that are effected by her. And she will start to resent them, just like she did my 11 year old, when they get in the way of what she wants or feels. Yet, she is still willing to tear down and throw away everything we built together in the hopes that she can find something she doesn't know she is looking for and has been right there for the taking her whole life. She just can't reach out and accept it.
Freedom comes from within and Lisa is chained by herself that she can't help but make poor decisions and hurt people.
I want to get divorced.
I don't want to get divorced. When I think of what it will do to my kids it rips my heart out. And when Lisa says that they will be fine and she is a good mother and she will make sure they are ok it feels like my insides are being pitchforked, and tied to a truck and drug drown a rocky dirt road.
I just don't want to care about her anymore. I don't want to care about anything anymore. All I have ever gotten for my caring and my deeds is shit on by the people closest to me.