Saturday, June 23, 2007

She seems so happy

And it tears me up inside. All I have ever had to do to get to Lisa to pretend to love me, is give her what she wants. If I say no she pouts and pesters and then gets mad and accuses me of not loving life and have any passion. She finally admitted last night that she does not enjoy our sex life. Our whole marriage she has praised us for how we make each other feel in bed, but it was all a lie too. She doesn't know my buttons, she can't drive me crazy. But I've told her what it is that I need and what turns me on, but she can't do that either. What more could I do? I wish she could have been honest with me years ago and she could have saved herself years of pain and saved me from utter destruction.

If I tell her what she wants to hear and give in to her wishes then she is immediately happy. Not remembering the pain she caused. It's my incompatability that drove her to depresssion. My lacking that caused her to cheat and lie. There is no responsibility being taken by her. Maybe there is, but when she tells me that all she does is hurt me and that she can't help it and that if she was me she would leave and that she does not deserve a second chance, it makes me feel like she has accepted her faults and her weekness. Like she has given in to being mediocre and is comfortable with the knowledge that her selfishness will continue to hurt the people she loves, because that is who she is and she does not want to be something else.

I feel like I am giving my self away so I can keep my family together.
I don't know if it is worth it.
I don't know if it is the right thing to do.
What I do know is that I feel taken advantage of. We both have responsabilities. We agreed to have a marriage and raise kids. Her part is primarily the household and mine is make sure that she has the tools and resources to be successful in that. But that is not enough for her. She can get babysitters anytime she wants and go to Art's festivals and lunch with the girls, and book group at night. And then I am a prick if I feel like I am holding up my end of the bargain and she is getting away with worse than murder. At least if someones kills you, your dead. With her it's like a work of priceless art, how she inadvertantly and slowly works the dagger in such away that you wish you were in the Hanoi Hilton, because there would be less pain and it would be closer to ending. I work hard but she gets most of the benefit. She says she does not have freedom but she really doesn't know what freedom is. She says she wants to make her own decisions, but when faced with them she can't bring herself to actually make a decision, because she is so worried about.... Who fucking knows. Unfortunately, your past decisions shape your level of freedom in the future and even if we do get divorced she still won't have the freedom that she wants, because she still has two little boys that are effected by her. And she will start to resent them, just like she did my 11 year old, when they get in the way of what she wants or feels. Yet, she is still willing to tear down and throw away everything we built together in the hopes that she can find something she doesn't know she is looking for and has been right there for the taking her whole life. She just can't reach out and accept it.

Freedom comes from within and Lisa is chained by herself that she can't help but make poor decisions and hurt people.

I want to get divorced.
I don't want to get divorced. When I think of what it will do to my kids it rips my heart out. And when Lisa says that they will be fine and she is a good mother and she will make sure they are ok it feels like my insides are being pitchforked, and tied to a truck and drug drown a rocky dirt road.

I just don't want to care about her anymore. I don't want to care about anything anymore. All I have ever gotten for my caring and my deeds is shit on by the people closest to me.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Heads she wins, Tails I lose

I guess it's heads..... wait maybe tails. Who knows what to make of it, and it's less than relevant today than yesterday.

This is how I feel right now. It really doesn't matter how the coin falls it's all for naught.

Let me tell you a story of me and my life. How I got here and how I'll never get back.

I grew up in a house where peace and harmony were not something that you could even hope for. My parents split up when I was 8. I remember sitting in the living room when they broke the news. Interestingly enough I was quite happy with the decision at the time. My house was one of pain and mockery when both my parents were home. I learned at an early age that if only one was around, then everything was ok. Once they were both there, the fireworks flew.

We grew up very poor. Hand me down shoes, and clothes, government cheese, LDS Bishops storehouse food and coats. I made some decisions about my life then. I had very mild dreams. I wanted to own a house, own a car, and raise a family better than my parents had raised me. I don't know why I needed to be better but it gave me purpose.

I acheived the modest goals at an earlier age than expected. I was 23 when I bought my first house. I had a couple of cars, a wife, and twins on the way. I had made it I thought....

Now I see that what I built is coming crashing down around me.

I focus on my job too much.
I focus on the future too much.
I don't want to make bad decisions.
I really just want to be happy.

I don't know where I went wrong. When I broke up with my 11 year olds mom I thought it really couldnt get worse. She got pregnant when I was 19. By 21 I had bought her 2 rings both having been ripped off her fingers when she admitted to cheating on me. I forgave her the first time and moved on. I tried to forgive the second time and wanted to make sure I was there for my son. She would not let me do that. After the third time I had to go. My family that I was trying to build had been stolen from me.

I really didn't think it could get worse than that. But now I am in the same situation. I don't know what it is about my personality or my emotions or just me. But women just can't stay faithful to me. This time the scar was reopened and it's not healing. I feel my myself seeping out of the wound that festers and won't go away. I live in pain everyday and mask it by laughing and ignoring and doing the mundane things of life.

My family has been stolen again.

I am not a perfect guy but I really cared. I gave everything I had to give to this family and this life and this future and after 9 years i'm right back where I started. I must be retarded or ignorant. I lived to have a family and i don't have it in me to build a third one and risk losing it.

So when the coin drops I'll hear it loud and clear like the liberty bell when it split.

The cacophony will get washed away by the world.

I used to believe in karma but I really can't figure out how I or my kids deserved this one.

Monday, February 12, 2007

Liars and Emptiness

I really don't know why I am writing again here. I don't understand how people can just flat out lie to you. It is really the most interesting thing. When someone fully lies to you, right to your face and the whole time you know they are totally full of shit. It is not worth it to call them on it and damage the relationship.

Maybe I am just smug and have thoughts about how I am more clever than them because I already know they are being dishonest. At the end of the day it still hurts. The thing that really sucks is that it hurts the liar more than the liee.

I feel empty today and have for several weeks. I don't know what to do, or how to feel, or what's important anymore. I hate being lost. I wish I lived in the future when colonization of other planets is a possibility. I would be the first to go and start a new life with new people and try and build something really great, I miss the teamwork and feeling of two people striving for the same goal and making good progress. I really do miss it and don't know how to get it back.

I know no one is reading this but it does not matter anymore. James "Pappa" Het said it best "Nothing Else Matters". Of course nothing is subjective and changes with perspective. I would like to take a poll and have 100 people define nothing.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

So I am changing the focus of my almost non-existent, rareley, scratch that - never -- updated blog.

Things I love about my wife.

1. I love her smile when she is truly happy and excited about something.
2. I love to snuggle up close (read as spoon). It makes me feel warm and safe.
3. I love to watch her make cookies and share them with them kids.
4. I love looking at her while she is deep in thought and admire what a wonderful person she turly is.
5. I love to listen to her voice as random thoughts spill out of her head. It is a soothing musical symphony for my otherswise cluttered brain.

Love is a quite different emotion than first fantasized about when a young teenager. I truly feel lucky to be able to experience true love on a daily basis.

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Who would you rather have running your country?

Seriously which one would you choose.

I know I would take Bush.

I will take all kinds of Bush.

Bush is good. (But shaved is better)

Oh yeah and

Fuck off

Monday, June 28, 2004

So I got some sun

We went to the water park on Saturday and it was much better than the first foray we took a couple of weeks ago. The twins finally got used to the idea of floating around the lazy river and actually getting water on their heads. It was fun. Eventually we will get them going down the freefall. I think the wife and I will go jus the two of us this week though.

I golfed well over the weekend. My driver still can't remember why it is in my bag much less why I pull it out. Speaking of pulling out that is not a very manly thing to do. Look what happened in Vietnam we pulled out and well you know what happened we kind of took it in the ass. No, You can't pull out. I say you have a stay in there and keep and fucking. Fuck em till their dead.

Oops back to golf. Played 9 holes at the Old Course. Not St. Andrews. (I Wish). I hit two double bogeys 4 pars and a couple of bogeys. All in all I was hitting the iron well and putting fiendishly. But my driver keeps swearing at me whenever I force it to beat a ball into the bushes on the left side of the fairway. I must have mistreated it in a past life or something.

Wife and I went a great party at 2.5 million dollar house over the weekend. Drank just about the right amount but did not get home until 4:30 in the morning. I have never seen so many sets of fake breasts in my life. Wow!!! It is weird how we try to live like we are 18 and have all the energy and time in the world. Only two be brought crashing down the next morning with weight of the world a hangover you would only wish on hitler or your mother-in-law depending on which one you hate worse.

Anyway it was fun. The company that was here for the wedding is almost ready to leave and our trip to Maine is exactly one month away. I can't wait to go. My brother Denton is coming to town with his family this weekend. So you know what that means. Yup, Strippers and Oil wrestling at the local pub as well as a lot of golf. J/K, wait, no I'm not.

Hopefully the wife will go with us. In case your reading this before I get home I fixed your laptop. So you are no longer computerless.

Another day has passed and another night now comes.
The open range calls under the fading sun.
And when the winds whispers and drops a sweet breath.
A bird will land softly home in its nest.

I don't have any idea where that came from but there it was so here it is.

And oh yea before I forget

Fuck Off

Friday, June 25, 2004

I am me and you are you

Sometimes I am driving in my car and I get this overawed feeling that I am me and I am here and I am doing what I am doing. I know it sounds corny but the weird part about it is that you are all you at the same time. Everybody else is who they are too. We are all the same yet so different. We all experience life the same way in a general manner. Love, Hate, Work, Recreation etc.

This trips me out because I am not a religious person I am convinced that god is a figment of our human emotion and need to not be alone in the universe and have the security of thinking and or knowing that if we screw it up our parents will show up and make it all better. I don't beleive this to be true. Because I beleive this way I sometimes wonder where the world is going and how it is going to get there. There are billions of people in the world but at the end of the day we all worry about the same basic needs. I often wonder why is the guy next to me driving north right now. What motivates him to get up in the morning and take a shower and get in his car.

Sometimes I wonder what motivates me too.

Interestingly we are all alone in our own bodies and minds. We are also all externally connected and dependant on each other for survival.

I wish we had an option to not be human and have to deal with all the bullshit. But we don't.

I guess we just accept what is and enjoy the ride.

I lost of muse for today

Fuck off

Weblog Commenting and Trackback by