She seems so happy

And it tears me up inside. All I have ever had to do to get to Lisa to pretend to love me, is give her what she wants. If I say no she pouts and pesters and then gets mad and accuses me of not loving life and have any passion. She finally admitted last night that she does not enjoy our sex life. Our whole marriage she has praised us for how we make each other feel in bed, but it was all a lie too. She doesn't know my buttons, she can't drive me crazy. But I've told her what it is that I need and what turns me on, but she can't do that either. What more could I do? I wish she could have been honest with me years ago and she could have saved herself years of pain and saved me from utter destruction.

If I tell her what she wants to hear and give in to her wishes then she is immediately happy. Not remembering the pain she caused. It's my incompatability that drove her to depresssion. My lacking that caused her to cheat and lie. There is no responsibility being taken by her. Maybe there is, but when she tells me that all she does is hurt me and that she can't help it and that if she was me she would leave and that she does not deserve a second chance, it makes me feel like she has accepted her faults and her weekness. Like she has given in to being mediocre and is comfortable with the knowledge that her selfishness will continue to hurt the people she loves, because that is who she is and she does not want to be something else.

I feel like I am giving my self away so I can keep my family together.
I don't know if it is worth it.
I don't know if it is the right thing to do.
What I do know is that I feel taken advantage of. We both have responsabilities. We agreed to have a marriage and raise kids. Her part is primarily the household and mine is make sure that she has the tools and resources to be successful in that. But that is not enough for her. She can get babysitters anytime she wants and go to Art's festivals and lunch with the girls, and book group at night. And then I am a prick if I feel like I am holding up my end of the bargain and she is getting away with worse than murder. At least if someones kills you, your dead. With her it's like a work of priceless art, how she inadvertantly and slowly works the dagger in such away that you wish you were in the Hanoi Hilton, because there would be less pain and it would be closer to ending. I work hard but she gets most of the benefit. She says she does not have freedom but she really doesn't know what freedom is. She says she wants to make her own decisions, but when faced with them she can't bring herself to actually make a decision, because she is so worried about.... Who fucking knows. Unfortunately, your past decisions shape your level of freedom in the future and even if we do get divorced she still won't have the freedom that she wants, because she still has two little boys that are effected by her. And she will start to resent them, just like she did my 11 year old, when they get in the way of what she wants or feels. Yet, she is still willing to tear down and throw away everything we built together in the hopes that she can find something she doesn't know she is looking for and has been right there for the taking her whole life. She just can't reach out and accept it.

Freedom comes from within and Lisa is chained by herself that she can't help but make poor decisions and hurt people.

I want to get divorced.
I don't want to get divorced. When I think of what it will do to my kids it rips my heart out. And when Lisa says that they will be fine and she is a good mother and she will make sure they are ok it feels like my insides are being pitchforked, and tied to a truck and drug drown a rocky dirt road.

I just don't want to care about her anymore. I don't want to care about anything anymore. All I have ever gotten for my caring and my deeds is shit on by the people closest to me.

Heads she wins, Tails I lose

I guess it's heads..... wait maybe tails. Who knows what to make of it, and it's less than relevant today than yesterday.

This is how I feel right now. It really doesn't matter how the coin falls it's all for naught.

Let me tell you a story of me and my life. How I got here and how I'll never get back.

I grew up in a house where peace and harmony were not something that you could even hope for. My parents split up when I was 8. I remember sitting in the living room when they broke the news. Interestingly enough I was quite happy with the decision at the time. My house was one of pain and mockery when both my parents were home. I learned at an early age that if only one was around, then everything was ok. Once they were both there, the fireworks flew.

We grew up very poor. Hand me down shoes, and clothes, government cheese, LDS Bishops storehouse food and coats. I made some decisions about my life then. I had very mild dreams. I wanted to own a house, own a car, and raise a family better than my parents had raised me. I don't know why I needed to be better but it gave me purpose.

I acheived the modest goals at an earlier age than expected. I was 23 when I bought my first house. I had a couple of cars, a wife, and twins on the way. I had made it I thought....

Now I see that what I built is coming crashing down around me.

I focus on my job too much.
I focus on the future too much.
I don't want to make bad decisions.
I really just want to be happy.

I don't know where I went wrong. When I broke up with my 11 year olds mom I thought it really couldnt get worse. She got pregnant when I was 19. By 21 I had bought her 2 rings both having been ripped off her fingers when she admitted to cheating on me. I forgave her the first time and moved on. I tried to forgive the second time and wanted to make sure I was there for my son. She would not let me do that. After the third time I had to go. My family that I was trying to build had been stolen from me.

I really didn't think it could get worse than that. But now I am in the same situation. I don't know what it is about my personality or my emotions or just me. But women just can't stay faithful to me. This time the scar was reopened and it's not healing. I feel my myself seeping out of the wound that festers and won't go away. I live in pain everyday and mask it by laughing and ignoring and doing the mundane things of life.

My family has been stolen again.

I am not a perfect guy but I really cared. I gave everything I had to give to this family and this life and this future and after 9 years i'm right back where I started. I must be retarded or ignorant. I lived to have a family and i don't have it in me to build a third one and risk losing it.

So when the coin drops I'll hear it loud and clear like the liberty bell when it split.

The cacophony will get washed away by the world.

I used to believe in karma but I really can't figure out how I or my kids deserved this one.